Examples of such conditions would be:
1. Getting the children to do chores around the house.
2. Getting children to come home on time.
3. Trying to get others to like me.
4. Getting a child to stop smoking, or taking drugs.
5. Reading scriptures as a family.
The above activities are all good, but the reasons for doing the activity is what is being questioned.
Are we doing the activity so I can feel I am fulfilling my duty as a parent? Is doing the activity more important than the relationship? Am I using the activity for my spiritual growth or only to teach another member of the family to be responsibility?
Let us look at getting our children to make their beds, or wash the dishes or mow the lawn. Below are some considerations for successful home management.
A. Determine the main outcome desired.
1. Is it to build a better relationship with the child?
2. Is it to get the child to do his or her share of the work?
3. Is it to teach the child to be responsible?
4. Is it to carry out a stewardship assignment for Heavenly Father?
5. Is it to help me feel better as a parent?
Your main desired outcome will become evident when the activity is not done by the child. If you feel the child is not respecting you, then the outcome was for the child to respect you by doing what you requested. If you get mad when the work is not done, then your main reason for the activity is to make you feel better as a parent, or to get the cild to do his or her share of the work. If you feel you are losing and the child is winning then your main purpose is to win. If you are choosing to put eh child down for neglecting the assignment, then your goal was to make yourself feel good by the child's activity. And since you feel let down, you are putting the child down, so he or she can feel miserable like you.
B. Examine your expectations.
1. I expect that each child will do what we all agreed upon and do it with a good attitude.
2. I do not expect this will cause me more work, but less work.
3. I expect this will bring about more harmony and joy in our home.
C. Set up the conditions so you as a parent and the child always win, even if the activity is not done.
Application: The father and mother, along with the seven children met on a Sunday evening at a family council. They discussed the idea of the importance of making the beds each day, and cleaning the bedrooms once a week. With some discussion and selling, on the parents part, all agreed to fulfill the request.
The parents paradigm and expectations:
1. Making beds is a parent problem, not a child's. The children have no need to have the beds made each day. Therefore, if a bed is made, the child is helping the parent to feel better.
2. Getting the family to make the beds is to build better relationships between the parents and the children.
3. As parents we will need to be spiritually focused in order to carry this out as the Lords would want us to carry it out.
4. Our expectations are that no beds will be made this week at all.
5. This will take effort since some will not have a good attitude about this assignment.
The Father Reported:
The next morning after prayer and breakfast, the children left early for morning seminary. I went downstairs to check the beds. On the way down, I prayed. "Father, I do not expect any beds to be made. Please help me to make this a good experience for my spiritual growth and to build a good relationship with these Thy children." I found that two beds were made and five were not. I rejoiced. I couldn't believe it. Why? Because I did not expect any beds to be made. Therefore, I did not feel let down, but lifted up. Next, I made the fie beds for Heavenly Father, which helped me to solve my problem (I wanted the beds to be made each day), and it helped me to focus spiritually. When the children came home that evening, my wife had some cookies ready to celebrate the making of two beds. we congratulated the two children and let them have first pice of the cookies. Then the other children were invited to participate. No word was said to those not making their beds. This ended up being a win/win situation. The children felt good about the event. The father felt good about having all the beds made and carrying out the stewardship pleasing unto Heavenly Father.
THE RULE: Emphasize that which you want duplicated.
If you preach to those who do not make their beds, you are emphasizing that which you do not want duplicated. You are also disowning. For you have created the negative emotions (disappointment) within your temple, and now you are trying to get the children to feel responsible for your negative feelings. You are rejecting them, putting them down for not keeping their commitments. You knew in the beginning that they did not have any need for the beds to be made. Plus, you set yourself up to be disappointment by expecting them all seven beds to be made. Your expectations set you up to only see the made beds. When some beds were not made, you felt let down and hence the feelings of disappointment. Next, you told yourself that the children were responsible for these negative feelings and as a responsible parent you need to teach them a lesson.
Keep in mind that this stewardship assignment was for your spiritual growth and you would accomplish that by carrying it out for the Lord. You allowed the 'beam' in your eye to keep you from turning unto Heavenly Father for wisdom and strength to carry this out for Him. You chose to focus on the 'mote' in your children's eye, and left the 'beam' in your own. This ended up being a lose/lose situation. The children did not feel good about the event, and the father lost the Spirit in preaching to his children. And the worst part of is that the father did not know that he had the power to make it a win/win situation.
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